


our dearest bonds

by faerietell



Category: Naruto
Genre: Arranged Marriage, Community: kakasaku, Empathy, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Marriage of Convenience, Slow Build, Some people are alive, expect no consistency, no beta we die like men, some people are dead
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:00:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23411287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faerietell/pseuds/faerietell
Summary: Sakura and Kakashi get married to save her life, but now they have to live with it.
Relationships: Haruno Sakura/Hatake Kakashi
Comments: 39
Kudos: 175





	1. i do

Kakashi Hatake spent far more time in hospitals than he wanted to. He was often the patient, either unconscious or under Sakura’s careful eye. Other times, he was there for teammates under his guidance. He would only wait until he knew they wouldn’t die before he left. He was always weak like that.

This was the second time.

He placed his palm on her forehead. The heat was unbearable, and she was sticky with perspiration and sickness. She smelled of death so strongly he was tempted to put his mask back up.

She had been conscious enough a few hours ago to demand it down. “You have to call back Naruto. She won’t make it.”

“Shut up, Hatake,” Tsunade sat on the other side of her bed, scanning her scroll. “I still have one more trick up my sleeve.”

“And if it fails?” Everything else had. “Naruto won’t forgive you if he doesn’t even get the chance to say goodbye.”

The _I won’t forgive you_ went unsaid. Tsunade should have never sent Sakura on this mission alone. She wasn’t ANBU, experienced in undercover and high-risk missions. She succeeded with teams she could trust, not all alone in a foreign land.

“She was my only choice.” Tsunade had always been perceptive. “Konan likes women. And now she’s dead.”

And Sakura might be too. His body was wracked with guilt, and his hands trembled in his pockets. He could have done more for her. He could have always done more for her. He only trained her briefly before she pursued Tsunade’s tutelage, but he had always given Naruto and Sasuke more lessons over the years.

 _She didn’t ask,_ he would justify to himself. But neither did Sasuke.

“There’s an old forbidden jutsu,” said Tsunade, finally lifting her eyes from the scroll. “To tie a life to another. That life sustains the victim until both lives are at full health.”

“And if the other life dies?” Kakashi asked.

“Nothing, so long as they never break the bond,” said Tsunade.

“Then mine,” said Kakashi desperately. “Tie my life to hers.”

In the past few years, Sakura had almost been a stranger to him. He took too many missions and only ever saw her at the hospital or occasional Team Seven reunions. It hadn’t mattered much to him. Their ties were forever, and he had never been the kind of man who needed to make small talk daily to remember his bonds. They would live and die for each other. That was enough.

Much like Naruto, that had always been his ninja way.

He felt a sort of responsibility towards her. Not as a sensei but as her captain. As an old friend. As Team Seven. She would hate it, if she knew. She was always sensitive to being weak, but she didn’t know her own strength. Or her old sensei’s weakness.

“I was hoping you’d say that,” Tsunade sealed the scroll. “The tie is marriage.”

He froze. “No.”

“Kakashi, we don’t have any choice. Naruto is hours away. I’m certainly not an option.”

“Ask Ino,” said Kakashi.

“And expose her mission?” Tsunade asked.

Kakashi glanced back down at Sakura, wondering how the past months had been. She had posed as a chunin med-nin seducing Konan. Then murdering her. It was the dark, dirty work that Sakura had never been suited to.

“Ino can keep a secret,” said Kakashi.

Tsunade shook her head. “When this gets out, there’ll be a price tag on her head. For now, her identity is a secret, but for every shinobi who finds out, the risk… ”

“What about Sasuke?” Kakashi asked. “He knows.”

Tsunade nodded. “Yes. But it would break her heart.”

 _“This_ would break her heart.”

Her eyes flashed. “Don’t think you know better than me, Kakashi. I’m her mentor. I practically raised the girl. If she has to marry Sasuke, she’ll wilt.”

“And instead she has no chance?” Kakashi asked. “Instead you’ll have her marry her old sensei and lose any chance at Sasuke or a happy life or whatever it is she wants.”

“Not Sasuke.” Her tone left no room for argument.

He buried his bare face in his hands, afraid of what it told Tsunade. The fear for Sakura’s life, his own self-loathing, and the rage of how unfair this was. On Sakura and him. But he didn’t have any choice. Tsunade wouldn’t ask it of him if he did.

“Wake her up,” he said, voice muffled. “I won’t do it if she doesn’t agree.”

Tsunade sighed. “I’m sorry, Kakashi.”

He heard the hum of medical chakra and let his hands fall. Tsunade pressed her hands on Sakura’s chest, slowly increasing the intensity until Sakura’s eyes startled open, a brighter green against the light of the healing.

“Shishou?” She panted. “I’m so tired.”

“It’ll be okay,” Tsunade brushed a damp strand of hair behind her ear, a gesture so maternal it was foreign to Kakashi. She sat back, glancing pointedly at Kakashi.

“Sakura?” He cleared his throat.

“Hi,” she whispered, eyes drowsily turning to him. “Can you stay here till I go?”

She knew she was dying. But he shouldn’t be surprised. Sakura had always been very, very smart. And unlike the rest of her teammates, she wasn’t in the habit of fooling herself. He grasped her hand in his own, trying to find the words.

“There’s a way to save you, Sakura-chan,” he said. “But you have to… we have to get married. Do you… is that okay?”

“Married?” She mumbled.

“It doesn’t have to be real,” said Kakashi. “I won’t hold you to anything. But it will be forever.”

“I know,” said Sakura, voice a little more clear. “I won’t either.” She glanced at Tsunade, squeezing his hands gently. “Do it.”

She didn’t really understand. Not really. Kakashi had never cared much for marriage. Or even relationships. He was a Konoha shinobi before all else, and he cared only for his teammates. There was no relationship that could be more precious or sacred than that. Naruto and Sasuke were very much the same. Naruto held onto his bonds dearly, and Sasuke did everything he could to run away from them.

But they were still, and in so many other ways, the same.

Sakura wasn’t. Her childhood dream was to get married and have children. She still actively dated. Her heart was still a little bit Sasuke’s. And she would lose it all now.

But at least she would have her life.

Tsunade married them, officiant and witness. Her _I do_ was a quiet rasp. His was a whisper. Then she performed the jutsu. He kept his Sharingan off and looked away. And then he felt it, a burning in his chest, travelling up his lungs. He gasped, releasing Sakura’s hand.

“Kakashi!”

There was itching on his skin, shuddering through his veins. When he blinked, he could only see the shadows climbing through his eye socket. He tried to reach and bat them away, but then they clung onto his fingers and hands, squeezing tight. Squeezing his lungs. He tried to gasp for air, but there was none.

&

There was a hum of machines next to him, quietly growing louder. He closed his eyes tighter, trying to ignore them. But there was something near his mouth, something uncomfortable. He reached for it, but then a hand caught his wrist.

“You always do this,” she sighed.

His eyes opened. Everything was reversed — he was in a hospital bed, and Sakura sat by his side. “What happened?”

“The jutsu worked,” said Sakura, rubbing her eyes. She looked like she didn’t sleep for days. “But it took toll on you. How do you feel?”

“Fine,” said Kakashi groggily. “How long have I been out?”

“Two days,” said Sakura, frowning. “I was worried. If you were to die because of me… ”

It would have been worth it. Sakura was far younger than him, and he had already lived out as much as he wanted to. He would easily give the years to her or Naruto or Sasuke. Maybe not Sasuke. Sasuke was a bastard.

“I’m okay,” he gave her an eye-smile. Then he realized his mask was still off. “Got a good eyeful?”

“Oh, yes,” Sakura laughed. “I got my dying wish, after all.”

He snorted. “How much longer are you keeping me here?”

Sakura picked up a clipboard by his bed, skimming through the pages. He watched her. She still looked ill, but she didn’t smell of death anymore. She was okay. He was okay. The jutsu had worked.

“I can take you home now,” said Sakura. “I doubt you’ll recover any better here. But take it easy, okay? Bedrest for at least another day.”

He was quick to agree. He didn’t mind napping at home, but he hated it here. Someone always died. This time, it hadn’t been Sakura. She helped him remove the tubes and turned her back so he could change into his standard uniform. When he was ready, she grasped his shoulder and shushinned them both back to his apartment.

“Boss!” Pakkun perked up from the couch. “Floral Green said you were sick.”

“Mah, I’m much better now,” said Kakashi, grabbing her shoulder for balance. His legs were weaker than he thought.

“Hardly,” Sakura rolled her eyes. “Pakkun, make sure he stays in bed, okay? No wandering off.”

Pakkun barked his consent before raising his nose in the ear, taking a sniff. His drowsy eyes widened. “Boss, you’ve taken her as a mate — ”

“Not now,” said Kakashi through gritted teeth.

Sakura said nothing, only helping him into bed. He let her fuss a little, fluffing up the pillows and securing the blanket over his chest. He could do it himself, but he had long learned that these little tasks made her feel better.

“I’m going to get you some water,” she announced.

Her voice was almost even. Almost.

Kakashi reclined back against the pillows, waiting for her to come back. He could hear the faucet from the kitchen. Married. They were married. He didn’t feel married. He supposed he shouldn’t. They both agreed that it didn’t change anything.

They were both wrong.

“Here,” she set the water on his nightstand before taking a seat on the side of his bed. “How are you feeling?”

“Okay,” said Kakashi. “Really.”

“Okay,” she whispered, tracing a pattern onto the kunai-patterned duvet. “I can feel what you feel.”

Kakashi blinked, surprised. But closed his eyes, chakra reaching out for Sakura. And there she was, and he could sense her. How the mattress felt hard for her and the way her blouse was a little scratchy and the fears curled up in her chest and the overwhelming relief bloody in her mouth.

He retreated.

“Then you know I am okay,” he said.

“I don’t have to do that anymore,” said Sakura, glancing up. “I can just… feel what you feel. Only a little. It took me a few days. I can tell you’re worried about me right now. I can’t tell everything else unless I try. But I won’t.”

He nodded slowly. “Don’t worry so much, Sakura.”

“I can’t help it,” she gave him a sad smile. “I feel like… I stole your future.”

“Mah, mah, Sakura, I think you’re feeling what I feel,” said Kakashi. “I never meant to get married. But I know you did.”

“But you _could have_ ,” she insisted. “You could have met some… amazing shinobi, and they could deal with you being a lazy pervert, and you could love them a lot, and maybe you could have gotten married. And now it’s gone.”

Kakashi didn’t want to explain his aversion to marriage. Instead, he said, “Tsunade and I could have found another way. I had a choice.”

He did. Really. And he had made it.

“There’s no hiding it,” Sakura changed gears. “It’s on the registrar. No doubt Ino-pig will be around to crow the next time she gets a good look at it. And telling them why… ”

He understood. They couldn’t excuse it away as a mission. What Sakura had done had been top secret, and only three of them knew. They would have to stay married and act if they were. His stomach twisted. He had wanted so much better for her.

“No, Kakashi,” she smiled sweetly at him. “Don’t think I could do better. I realize this won’t be traditional. But we’re good friends, aren’t we?”

“We’ll make this work,” he agreed. “And Naruto will know. You won’t be alone.”

He would try to give her all that he could. It wouldn’t be much, but she was right. They were good friends, and they were comrades. They could survive this too. Guilt and pain still lingered, but he tried to bury them for now.

“You’re right,” she brightened. “Now really. Get some sleep. I’ll be okay.”

He took her advice and tried not to reach for her in his dreams.

&

A week later, Naruto broke through her window. Sakura cast a despairing gaze at her door. She had only just gotten the doorknob fixed, and it might have been for nothing. No one but Sakura used her door anyway.

“The door,” she said, not turning around from her stir fry. The saying went, a watched pot never boiled. What she knew, a neglected dish on the stove would burn.

“You need better seals then, Sakura-chan,” he offered her a one-arm hug, with enough good sense to know she wouldn’t turn her back on her dish. He had eaten enough of her burned concoctions, after all.

(She might slightly exaggerate her poor cooking skills when they’re on missions. Slightly.)

“You lot would just take it as a challenge,” said Sakura, nudging the tofu around with her chopsticks. “Did you want to join me?”

“Nah,” Naruto said. “I’m meeting Sai for ramen.”

She offered him a bright smile. “Aw, it’s good to see you two getting along.”

Naruto pushed himself up on the counter, swinging his legs as he glanced down at her. She avoided his eyes, focusing on her soon-to-be dinner. She was always afraid of revealing herself if he looked too closely. Something about the blue of Naruto’s eyes was akin to a confessional, and Sakura the sinner.

“Did you… ” He sighed. “I’ve got so much to ask.”

“Why don’t I start?” Sakura suggested, trying a broccoli. Maybe a little longer. “Was it good to see Gaara?”

Naruto lit up. “Yeah! I missed him! We talked about diplomacy and improving Suna-Konoha trade. It’s gonna be great! Tsunade told me off for overreaching, but I think she’s actually happy. She just won’t tell me so.”

“She’s afraid it’ll get to your head,” she tapped his temple with the ends of her chopsticks.

He grinned at her, but his smile faded as he approached the other subject. “I saw Sasuke in Suna too.”

“And how is he?” She asked, forcing a light tone of voice. About ready. She started to flip the contents of her plan into a bowl.

“He’s… good, I think,” said Naruto, scratching his head. “Maybe it was good for him to get out of Konoha, after everything.”

“I’m glad you can see it that way,” said Sakura softly.

It had broken them all when Sasuke had decided to leave. He had changed his mind at twelve when Sakura begged him to stay, but he didn’t change his mind again ten years later. She didn’t blame him. They all knew Itachi’s secret. Konoha’s secret.

If she was Sasuke, she couldn’t stomach living here either.

“Do you think he’ll change his mind someday?”

“Of course I do,” said Sakura, impulsively leaning over to kiss his cheek. “You’ll be Hokage someday, Naruto. He has to be back to see that.”

She grabbed her bowl, sitting at the table, Naruto trailing after her to sit on the other side. She did believe it. She had always believed in Sasuke and Naruto if nothing else. Often nothing else. They had a sort of love that she could never understand, but that was okay. Years had taught her to accept and forgive. Herself and them.

“Kakashi, huh?” Naruto made a face. “How’s that?”

She rubbed her head. “I don’t know yet.”

“He’s a good guy, Sakura,” Naruto said earnestly. “I know he’s not Sasuke but — ”

“Stop,” she held a hand out. “I really am over Sasuke, Naruto. I know you’re all treating me like I’m about to break, but I’m not. I don’t love him anymore, not like I did. But I haven’t forgiven him either. I can do both at the same time.”

She didn’t know if Naruto believed her, but he nodded. “Okay. But still. Kakashi.”

“Truth be told, Naruto,” she stared down at her stir fry. “I can’t even think about Kakashi. Not so soon.”

“Because of… Konan?” He guessed.

Konan.

She liked Konan. There was a grace and maturity about her that Sakura strived for. For a shinobi, she kissed very gently. It was easy to talk to her. Easier to earn her trust. Ichika quickly fell in love with her. Sakura closed her eyes and remembered Sasuke’s face.

Ichika fell asleep that night next to her lover.

Sakura killed Konan in the morning. But maybe Konan had suspected because she arrived expecting Konoha to be her grave.

“A little bit,” she admitted. “I liked her a lot. At the end.”

“I couldn’t do it,” Naruto said. “I wish Tsunade hadn’t made you.”

“One day as Hokage, you’ll be making these difficult decisions as well, Naruto,” she chided. “I believe Tsunade did the best she could, under the circumstances. There was no other med-nin as suitable as I was for this mission.”

Sakura had been considering ANBU too. Now she knew she could do it. She could bend without breaking. She could murder her lovers in their sleep. And she could still know herself the next day. She was still learning to, anyway.

“I’m just accepting it,” said Sakura finally. “I know what I want and what Kakashi wants is different. And most of it, we can never compromise on. And he saved my life. I don’t want to hurt him anymore.”

Naruto nodded and asked nothing more, both of them sitting in their thoughts. He had grown up so much, she often felt she was bursting with pride. She wanted to analyze every detail with Ino, but Naruto was an equal confidant.

“So what’s he thinking right now?” He asked eagerly, breaking the silence.

Sakura reached out tentatively. After the first time, she had been careful to do no more than brush against his chakra. She wrinkled her nose when she found him, sympathetic warmth swirling in her stomach.

“What?”

“His usual perverted nonsense,” she rolled her eyes. “I can’t believe I married a man who likes _Icha Icha_.”

“It’s not so bad… ”

“You’re just saying that because you edited half of it.”

&

Kakashi never drank more than once a week. Sakura had noticed that very early in knowing him. Naruto and Sakura would invite him out whenever he was home, but he only ever went out on Friday night with the other older jonin’s. She had an idea why, of course. Every nin had to handle the trauma somehow.

Asuma smoked. Kurenai painted. And Kakashi talked to old friends long gone.

Sakura didn’t know what she did yet. Maybe she just took it in, let the pain and grief settle in her bones. And hope she would be stronger tomorrow.

The Rookie Nine had ended up joining them today, and Sakura was sated. This was the best therapy. Her friends and loved ones and a little bit of sake.

“Genma’s kind of cute, don’t you think?” Ino whispered in her ear.

She glanced over. “I don’t really get the whole senbon thing… ”

“Yeah, me neither,” said Ino, impatient. “But besides that.”

“Are you trying to hook me up or you?” Sakura asked, narrowing her gaze to her blonde friend.

“Whatever works out,” Ino shrugged. “I’m not picky.”

She rolled her eyes. Genma was pretty hot, but Sakura had always been wary of the age difference. Not that it mattered much now. Her husband was quite a bit older than her. Her husband sat three stools away, drinking sake and smiling at some story Asuma told.

Her stomach rolled. Her husband. How foreign.

Gai burst into the bar, heading straight for their table. Sakura smirked when she sensed Kakashi’s rising agitation. Probably looking for a way to make a quick escape.

“My honored rival,” Gai’s eyes were full of tears, lips trembling. “I cannot congratulate you enough.”

The amusement quickly died. She had a feeling where this was headed. “I think I’m going to go home.”

“Now?” Ino asked. “You don’t want to see what challenge he’ll come up with this time?”

“Nope,” Sakura grabbed her bag, but it was too late. Gai had already seen her.

“The dearest cherry blossom of Konoha,” he nearly wept.

“Gai, please stop this,” Kakashi said, somewhere between impatience and warning.

Gai didn’t hear him. “After so many years of grief… to be married! You have truly won this competition, Kakashi. I couldn’t be happier for you.”

Silence settled into the table as the rest of the shinobi slowly connected the pieces. Sakura gazed down at her hands, red slowly creeping up her cheeks.

“You’re _what?”_ Ino shrieked. “Where’s the ring?”

She glanced at Kakashi, panicked. But he only shrugged. Neither of them had been prepared for the truth to come out so quickly.

“I’m a shinobi, Ino,” she rolled her eyes. “Shinobi don’t risk their lives by wearing rings.”

Kiba grinned. “Seriously, Sakura? You married this old guy?”

On the table over, she heard Asuma and Kurenai talking to Kakashi as well. He probably had the better end of the stick. They had to be a little more mature.

“I did,” she lifted her chin high. “Privately. Because it’s our private life.”

“Oooohhh, private,” Kiba jeered.

Ino reached over to smack his shoulder.

“Ow, woman!”

“I’m happy for you, Sakura-chan,” Hinata smiled warmly at her.

That was somehow more painful. Her sincere good wishes for what was little more than a lie. She mustered a smile, nodding her thanks. She couldn’t manage words right now. A few others offered their congratulations. More peppered her with questions.

“How didn’t I notice you were in an intimate relationship, Ugly?” Sai asked. “There were no sounds to indicate such when you share a tent.”

Sakura turned bright red. “We’re professionals, Sai. Ninjas are good at secrets.”

She barely noticed him behind her before he caught her wrist, helping her out of the chair. “We’ll be going home now. If you have more questions, you can direct them to us through the mail. Goodbye now.”

Sakura offered him a grateful smile, ignoring the catcalls behind her as they head out into the night. Both were a little too drunk to shushin home, but the night was warm and quiet. She didn’t mind walking side by side, taking in Konoha’s beauty.

“I think… ” said Sakura. “I think we can act normal. They’ll expect it.”

But Kakashi shook his head. “Sakura, we were kidding ourselves when we said that we could continue as we were.”

Sakura bit her lips. “What else can we do?”

None of the others had doubted them. They hadn’t even asked for the story. They would, she knew, in the days to come, but they trusted them instantly when Gai-sensei had announced it. They trusted in them.

“I’m not talking about them,” said Kakashi with uncharacteristic impatience. “I’m talking about us.”

“And what else can we do either way?” She snapped. “You saved my life, Kakashi. Do you think I’m going to just… ”

Sakura didn’t know how to finish that sentence. But he had done everything for her, and she refused to tie him to some twisted facsimile of a real marriage. Kakashi had always thought her the altruistic healer, but she was a selfish, selfish girl. And Kakashi had always given and given until there was nothing left but bones and old ghosts.

“You owe me nothing,” he said, severe. “Nothing. How many times have you saved my life, Sakura?”

“Well, that’s _my job_ ,” she let him steer her away by the shoulders from a sign she nearly ran into. “You didn’t have to do this, Kakashi.”

“I don’t know how many times I can say this, but it wasn’t some burden on me,” Kakashi said. “You have to stop thinking it is.”

“I can’t help it,” she told him.

“Try,” he nearly begged her if that was something Kakashi did.

“Okay,” she whispered, the fight taken out of her. No matter what he said, she could never stop owing him now. But he was right. Neither of them could live like this.

“You’re still young, Sakura,” he glanced at her. “You’ll want companionship. Trust me.”

“Now you want to get me into bed?” Sakura teased.

“Mah, I wouldn’t protest,” he winked at her. “But I meant emotional companionship. You’ll want someone to talk to everyday. If we act as if nothing changed, you’ll resent it. Eventually. So… I can’t promise much else, but I’ll be there for you, Sakura. And we can figure everything else out as we go.”

They had reached her apartment building.

Sakura didn’t know why he thought he could read her mind or read the future. She had her teammates. She had emotional companionship. But he was trying, and she had to too. “I’ll be there for you too.”

He squeezed her shoulder briefly. “Goodnight, Sakura.”

“Wait,” she stopped him before he was more than a few paces away. “We should probably move into mine.”

“Yours?” Kakashi paused. “Mine is bigger.”

“Mine is more centrally located,” she retorted. “And it’s not as if you spend that much time in Konoha.”

They don’t come to an agreement that night, but Sakura feels a little better anyway.


	2. honeymoon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I don’t doubt your skill or ability,” said Kakashi. “But your last mission was difficult. You nearly died, Sakura. I’ve been on missions like that. Missions that changed who I was. And I didn’t wait more than a week before going back. I wish someone had stopped me.”

Citrus. His nose twitched. And vanilla. He opened his eyes to find Sakura staring down at him, green eyes wide and hands on her hip.

“Were you _sleeping_?” She demanded.

“Mah, I was just resting my eyes. There’s so much strain from the Sharingan… ”

She scoffed. “You were _supposed_ to be watching me. How am I supposed to improve, Kakashi?”

That was something all his past students had in common. They sought strength and power. Sasuke had nearly left Konoha to do so. Naruto eventually had with Jiraiya. Sakura stayed in Konoha with Tsunade. They never stopped trying to surpass each other, and they had all long surpassed him.

“I don’t know how much more I can help you,” Kakashi shrugged. “You’re a specialist. You’re trying to get better at what you’re already very, very good at. And I certainly don’t have your prowess in chakra control or medical ninjutsus.”

She dropped to her knees next to him, reaching across his legs to steal his flask of water. Tilting her chin back, she drank half of it clumsily, water dribbling from her mouth to her throat. He watched its path, detached.

“But the jonin board still won’t pass me,” Sakura wiped at her mouth. “I’ve already taken the exams twice. And you can still kick my ass.”

Kakashi shifted uncomfortably. There was no good answer for her. In truth, Sakura was ANBU-level. Her recent mission had proved that, if nothing else. But the board of judges were chauvinist, and Sakura refused Tsunade’s suggestion of a field promotion.

“It took Kurenai three tries to pass herself,” said Kakashi. “Do you think she was any less of a shinobi? Genjutsu is a difficult speciality to display.”

“Mine isn’t,” Sakura sighed.

“Your best techniques are,” Kakashi corrected. “I know you can bring this training ground down with a single punch. But most of your precise medical ninjutsus are lethal.”

It was unfair that the world looked down upon women and healers. They brought life as easily as they ended it. But old men forgot where they came from and how easily it could end. In the hands of women and healers.

“I don’t think we’ve surpassed you,” said Sakura, gazing at him intently. “I know you do, but we don’t. We always feel like there’s something else you can teach us.”

He couldn’t look at the earnest green, flushing a little and glancing down at his book. “You’re meeting Ino now?”

Sakura made a face. “More like I’m getting interrogated by her.” She clasped his arm. “I’ll see you at home later?”

Home. The word was jarring. Home was Konoha, but it had never been his two bedroom apartment. Only a place to rest his head.

“See you,” Kakashi waved at her lazily. “I’ll owe you a jutsu.”

Sakura beamed.

&

Sakura choked on her tempura. “Really?”

Sai inched his hands a little closer. “This small? I don’t think he could be smaller than that. Naruto told me he had big di — ”

“Shut up, shut up, shut up,” her head fell into her arms.

She should have known better than putting off meeting Ino for a girl chat this long. Now that a week had gone by, she had to deal with Ino and Sai.

“You’re such a _prude_ , Forehead,” Ino groaned. “You didn’t even go on a honeymoon?”

“There’s no place we love more than home,” Sakura said. “This is where we met and what we fought for and where we want to start our lives together.”

It was true. Kakashi and Sakura weren’t married for love, but if they had been, she knew they would make the same decision. Everything they were was in Konoha.

“How did it first happen?” Ino leaned forward, nearly knocking into the restaurant table. “Not the engagement but the getting together.

She bit her lips. Kakashi and Sakura had briefly prepared a story around their engagement and marriage, but they didn’t go that far back yet. They had been too busy moving in together, co-existing in the same space, and coming to terms that this was forever.

“Do you remember when I liked Kakashi?” Sakura felt the warmth creeping up her face. This was true.

“What, like four years ago?”

“Yes, Pig, like four years ago,” she said. “I got over it after a few months. But then… Sasuke left for Suna. We both loved him. In different ways. Kakashi felt so much responsibility for everything that went wrong. At the end, he was really only Sasuke’s teacher. He felt like he let him down.”

Sai remained uncharacteristically quiet, and Ino reached out to grab her hand. Sakura smiled gratefully and tried not to choke on her guilt.

“I felt responsibility too,” Sakura continued. “I don’t have to tell you all this again, but I was supposed to be his guiding light. I was supposed to be enough. He didn’t choose me again.”

Sakura almost wasn’t lying. This had all happened, but it didn’t bring them together. If anything, it tore them apart. Neither of them could stomach looking at each other. Missions were awkward. She always had a feeling that Kakashi could never forgive himself for not being enough to stop Sasuke the first time. Or forgive her for being enough when he wasn’t.

“We started to get close, and suddenly, I remember everything I liked about him when I was eighteen. All over again.”

“But you went on that long-term medical mission,” Ino accused. “How did you even have time for romance?”

“Ah, with Kakashi, it’s forever,” she gave a little smile. “We waited a long time. We didn’t want to wait any longer.”

She had gone on that Konan mission, and they never talked about it again. Not really.

“That’s actually _cute_ ,” Ino squeaked, elbowing Sai. “Isn’t it cute?”

“Adorable,” said Sai in montone.

&

A little squeeze. Then the water drizzled out, freezing cold.

“Fuck,” Kakashi groaned, reaching for his shampoo. Where was his shampoo? He could only see a row of pastel hair products he didn’t recognize.

 _“Sakura!”_ He hollered. “Where’s my shampoo?”

“The top shelf!”

He had shelves? He craned his head to find two shelves, one still crammed with more of Sakura’s toiletries and the other sparse with his products. He should probably be thankful she didn’t just throw them away. He squeezed a liberal amount into hand and then his hair, before scrubbing down with soap as fast as he should.

Sakura always used up all the hot water with her hour long showers. Stepping out of the shower, he dried his hair roughly before wrapping the towel around his hips.

She was in the living room, reading one of her heavy medical texts.

“Sakura, how long can it possibly take for you to shower?”

She glanced up, guilty. “Sorry, was the water cold?”

 _“Yes,_ it was cold.”

She scowled. “It’s just a little cold water. You’re a shinobi.”

“This is my apartment, not a river in Rain,” Kakashi reminded.

“It’s _our_ apartment now,” she slammed her book shut. “I’m pay rent too.”

“And why is my stuff on the highest shelf? You couldn’t have left my shit alone?”

“You’re taller than me! I didn’t think it'd be some grandship to reach a little for your conditioner. And you’re not perfect either. You always put things that are supposed to be in the fridge in the freezer.”

He rolled his eyes. “That’s because you rearranged the entire kitchen. Maybe if I could find things — ”

“Maybe if you weren’t so disorganized to start with! What did you even have to arrange? Your fridge was basically empty.”

“Why do we even need all this food for?” He gestured at the fridge. “There’s only two of us.”

“I have my friends over,” said Sakura.

“I know,” said Kakashi. “They’re always over, and they always have plenty of comments to make about our apartment and our sex life and who the hottest shinobi in the Bingo Book is.”

Sakura’s cheeks flooded red. “You heard that?”

_“Deidara.”_

“Well, who would you have picked?” She threw her arms up. “Deidara’s hot.”

“Itachi, of course,” said Kakashi. There was no question in that.”

There was a brief silence before Sakura burst into giggles. He offered a tentative smile too. It had been a long time since he had any reason to bicker over little, petty things. Things that didn’t matter.

“I’m sorry — “ Sakura muffled her laughter into her hand. “It’s just… the Bingo Book… and you’re still in your towel. And Itachi.”

He shrugged. “I stand by my choice.”

“I’ll be more careful with the hot water,” she said after a moment. “And I’ll try to have my friends over less.”

Kakashi shook his head. “Shorter showers would be nice, but I don’t really mind your friends.”

She arched an eyebrow. “Don’t you?”

He didn’t. Kakashi had lost so many friends over the years. He would never try to deny her a little more time with hers. She was young yet, and she had years before she would bear anything similar to his grief. Being a shinobi was a dangerous profession.

“Thanks,” she smiled softly.

“Anytime,” Kakashi ducked out. It was about time he put on some clothes.

&

When she sensed his chakra entering the apartment, she was still in the bathroom, door open. She splashed cool water over her face, rubbing harshly with the face wash. She could hear a dog bark and a quiet laugh. Pakkun.

These were the sounds of her marriage: the shuffling of pages, barking dogs, oil sizzling on the pan, the shriek from the tea kettle, the sharpening of kunai, and late night conversations. Sakura had never expected as much.

She stopped him with a flare of her chakra as he made to walk past the bathroom door. She didn’t look at him, now carefully washing off the suds of soap. “Why did you tell shishou that I wasn’t ready for missions?”

“I didn’t think you were,” he said, quickly, honestly.

She gripped the faucet handle tightly. “And why is it up to you? You’re not my sensei anymore. You haven’t even been my taichou in a while.”

“It’s not up to me,” said Kakashi. “It’s up to the Godaime. And I’m your friend. She was asking me as your friend.”

Sakura viciously pumped out some moisturizer onto her palm. “Why is it that I never feel equal to you? We’re _married_ now, and I still don’t feel equal to you. No matter what I try.”

He sighed. “You know I think you’ve surpassed me.”

“You know I disagree,” she rubbed the moisturizer into her skin, glancing up at the mirror to make sure she didn’t miss anything.

“Let’s say you’re right,” Kakashi said. “We’re not equals. You’re far more politically adept than me. You’re more charming. You can take life and give it back. I can only manage one. You’re stronger. I’m faster. And… you’re younger, Sakura. Everything you feel… It only comes from the age gap.”

He wasn’t wrong. He had fourteen years on her. Fourteen years of experience and age and time. Of course she couldn’t overcome that. There was always something. Always a kyubi or a Sharingan.

“But I am prettier,” he added.

She couldn’t help it; she laughed.

“Ask me why I said you weren’t ready.”

Sakura finally looked at him. “Why?”

“I don’t doubt your skill or ability,” said Kakashi. “But your last mission was difficult. You nearly died, Sakura. I’ve been on missions like that. Missions that changed who I was. And I didn’t wait more than a week before going back. I wish someone had stopped me.”

She rose to her tiptoes, ruffling his hair like he had done when he was a child. “Okay.”

&

It had been more than a month now since they had gotten married. Sometimes, it was easier than she expected. Sometimes, it was far more difficult. Sakura was often stuck between self-pity and self-loathing. Between the loss of her own foolish dreams and the loss of Kakashi’s future. Kakashi was a far better man than she, so she suspected he was only self-loathing.

“Take a seat,” Tsunade waved at her lazily, scrounging through her desk for something. “Aha.”

“Sake?” Sakura arched an eyebrow. “You still have work to do, Hokage-sama..”

“Shut up and share a drink with your shishou,” Tsunade poured the sake into two cups, pushing the second one towards Sakura.

Not having much choice but to accept, she reached for the cup and took a drink. This wasn’t half-bad.

Tsunade read her impression. “Imported from Kumo. Now tell me… Kakashi, pros and cons?”

She nearly choked on her sake. “What?”

“Now pros, he’s very handsome underneath that mask,” Tsunade began. “Have you seen him yet? No? Well, he’s a very fit shinobi either way, so it’s no great loss. I expect you’ve seen some of that.”

Sakura flushed. She hadn’t entertained the thought of him standing there, broad-shouldered and damp, sparse gray hair running down to where the towel hung loosely over his hips. Still with that stupid mask on, of course.

“I see you have,” said Tsunade, satisfied.

“Can’t we talk about anything else?” Sakura moaned.

“I was beginning to worry you’d be like me,” said Tsunade, a little more seriously. “Mourning your long lost love forever. I’m glad you didn’t.”

“It’s not as if Sasuke died,” she muttered. “Or that he was really my long lost love or whatever.”

It felt cheap to compare her girlhood affection for Sasuke to what Tsunade had gone through. What Tsunade had with Dan was real love. At least, that’s what Sakura thought. Tsunade rarely spoke of him, and what little she knew was from Shizune.

“I’m not sure if it’s really any different anyway,” Sakura added. “We’re only married by name.”

Tsunade pursed her lips. “Don’t be an idiot, Sakura. How long can that last?”

“What else can we do?” It was what it was.

“Try to love him,” Tsunade suggested. “You were always good at that.”

She frowned. “And if it doesn’t work out? We have to be together forever. I can’t risk that.”

And she didn’t want to. No matter what her shishou might think, she would rather have his friendship than his affection. She had known Kakashi for a very long time, and she wasn’t about to lose that.

“So what’s your plan then?” Tsunade asked, taking another drink. “Stay chaste forever? Be friends always?”

“Yes.”

“Ah, Sakura,” Tsunade refilled her cup. “You’ll learn.”

&

Even hours later, she still stunk of blood beneath the alcohol and sweat. It had been a bad day, and she couldn’t even think of it without something caught in her throat. Sakura had refused to cry over it one more time, and she put on a pretty dress and a henge, a moderately attractive but unnoticeable brunette.

She would get _drunk_. She’d wake up in someone else’s bed. And she would stop thinking about the boy who wouldn’t wake up ever again back in the hospital.

It didn’t work out that way. She had gotten drunk, had lazily kissed some chunin. Let him clumsily grope her, hands sliding up her shirt. _Kakashi wouldn’t mind,_ she told herself, closing her eyes to let him kiss up her throat.

But the mood was killed when she thought of Kakashi, and she shoved him off.

Sakura dropped her henge as she stepped into their shared apartment, hoping desperately that he was nowhere near here. Her luck was never that good. He was reading Icha Icha on the couch, glancing up at her arrival. And then down again.

No comment? No comment for her _fuck me_ dress and her smudged make-up and the smell of violence and alcohol and sex?

“What?” She demanded, kicking off her heels.

“Nothing,” said Kakashi mildly.

“Nothing?” Sakura sat down on the other side of him, so close that their thighs were pressed together, and she could make out every word of his book. “I’m tired of nothing. Say what you think. Say what you feel.”

He sighed, setting the book down. “What do you want me to say, Sakura?”

She seriously wanted to strangle him and his holier-than-thou attitude sometimes. “Something. Anything. It’s all better than nothing. You have nothing to say about the dress? About how I feel? You can sense it. I can sense you. Your judgement. Your pity.”

“I’m not your father, I don’t want to _control_ you.”

“No, you’re just my husband,” she rolled her eyes. “Isn’t that right, Kakashi-kun?”

“I knew this would happen,” he said quietly.

“Of course you did,” She tugged down the hem of her dress, immersed in shame. “You always know what’ll happen. It’s what you’ve been warning me of this whole time, right?”

When he said nothing, she laughed. “I’m tired of being the unreasonable one.”

“You’re not unreasonable,” he said, dark gray eye meeting her green. “You had a bad day. You need someone, and you know it’s not me. And you’re guilty that it’s not me. There’s nothing unreasonable about that at all.”

“I don’t need you to tell me how I feel!” Sakura had enough of his condescension. He was trying to help, she knew, in his own way. But she didn’t need her thoughts analyzed for her. Her feeling exposed, raw and vulnerable. She stormed away from the living room, into the sanctity of her own bedroom.

She should have slammed the door behind her because Kakashi followed.

He sounded miserable. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”

She yanked the bobby pins out of her hair. “I just want you to tell me how you feel. Not me. Is that too much to ask?”

She could feel the mattress wobble when he sat down behind her. “I feel… worried about you. I wonder how I can help you, and then I feel useless when I realize I can’t. I know you’re scared you trapped me into something. I’m still scared I trapped you into something. I don’t know, Sakura. I keep thinking about everything I can’t do for you.”

Sakura turned around, but he was facing the door, head bowed. “But you haven’t asked what I wanted, Kakashi. You just keep assuming.”

“You’re right,” Kakashi said. “But… I know I’m not all wrong. What about children, Sakura?”

She twisted away, turning to look at the wall. She couldn’t disguise the way his words stabbed her heart. A fresh wound. She had given up on children while still sitting by Kakashi’s bedside. Their marriage wasn’t real, but she wouldn’t betray the sanctity of their friendship with other children. And she had long known Kakashi would never want children of his own.

It wasn’t in her future anymore.

“I’m still young,” she murmured. “I wouldn’t have wanted children for another ten years anyway.”

It had always been in her plan. She would be a successful and accomplished shinobi, would marry Sasuke Uchiha, and have two beautiful children by thirty-five. By now, she had achieved part one, was no longer interested in part two, and would never have part three.

“I feel what you feel,” he whispered. “I can tell how much it hurts you.”

Sakura closed her eyes, concentrating on flushing the alcohol in her system. The grief was more than enough to sober her up, but this wasn’t a conversation she should have anymore tipsy.

“I’ll get a genin team,” she dismissed.

“It’s not just children,” Kakashi said. “My family was very traditional. What little I remember. When my mother was alive, she would always pack lunch for my father. And he would always come home with some sort of present for her. He loved her. A lot. I could tell even then.”

“So?” She reached over again, placing her hand gently on his shoulder. “I can pack you lunch. You can stop being a cheapskate and buy me some dango. And we do love each other, don’t we? In some ways.”

“Not the right ways,” said Kakashi.

“Ask me what I want, Kakashi.”

Finally, he turned around, dark gaze studying her. “What do you want, Sakura?”

She opened up her arms. “Just a hug.”

Cautiously, he wrapped his arms around her. Over the years, he had gently tolerated her hugs, patting her head but not reciprocating. Sakura had never minded. It was just his way. So curling up against his chest, his hand resting on her back with the other intertwined with her hair, was altogether unfamiliar. And yet just like home.

He smelled a little like smoke and mint.

She didn’t know when she started crying, but she did, body wracked with sobs. She shuddered, and Kakashi held onto her tighter until she could breathe again. “I never get used to it. I don’t know why I never get used to it.”

“Neither do I,” Kakashi whispered into the back of her neck before letting her go.

He helped her then into one of the large t-shirts she had stolen from Naruto, and she tugged off her dress beneath the shirt. She nearly asked him to stay, but she bit back the words. Sakura wouldn’t scare him off. She wouldn’t be weak.

She didn’t know why she felt so lonely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, hope you're all safe and well! Thank you guys for all the reviews and thoughts for the first chapter, it meant a lot! <3
> 
> This will over-all be a quite introspective story. I really wanted to focus in on the issues Kakashi and Sakura may have when thrust into a close relationship and what some of the problems a significant age gap might bring. And since this is a romance, ofc how they overcome it and have a hundred kids. 
> 
> As a warning, this will definitely be slow-going! If it feels pretty platonic so far, it's meant to be. I don't think romance will come in until about chapter four. It's also been very Sakura-focused so far, but I promise more Kakashi further down the line. Let me know what you think! <3


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